#can I ignore just cause’s physics
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Wailing Coffin Hong Lu and Gregor
#hehehehHEHEHEHEH I LOVE THESE SO MUCH#I was listening to nightcore and everything this was so fun [even the renderhell]. I was so excited I even posted WIPs! TWICE!!#I shall now attempt to justify these. these VERY fun to draw designs.#this abno to me represents the contradiction of facing the things that had happened long in the past - for them it'd be their childhoods#the contradiction stems from how leaving it along may cause it to grow and fester - dragging one into it if they try and ignore it to get o#with their lives[leave it be check fail] whilst confronting it directly may cause it to overflow in a way one cannot deal with [ open coffi#check fail]. these two straddle the line for this. not directly confronting and unpacking their issues#whilst at the same time not entirely ignoring them or trying to bury them#given how for both its rather physical - unignorable. it is something to be lived with even if they simply just want to cry out#and thus the wails increase more and more. even eclipsing in turn the original start of the incident [open check win has the only thing in#the coffin be a small beetle] and all the same leaving it be protects them from opening up those wounds and having to face it all again#'it also seems as if they’re thankful for being left as they are'#...but the honest answer as to why these two is the 'red-jeweled beetle' line. jewel for HL and beetle for Greg.#I also wanted him to have a cool arm.#you can disagree w my abno interpretation btw idm#mallet it bc you uh. hammed things shut w it#things like nails into coffins#but that's all I have to say so normal tag time:#fanart#limbus company#gregor lcb#hong lu lcb#🔮🐞#fan E.G.Os
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Something I do think is kinda worse (but definitely less prevalent) than “fandom religiously treating fanon as canon” is when someone convinces themselves that something that is canon actually isn’t, and that everyone else is stupid when in actuality most people are just like… picking up on the very obvious and purposeful implications presented in the story that you have just refused to accept mean anything if it isn’t literally spelled out for you.
#fandom#this can apply to other instances in other fandoms but#specifically im thinking about people who have convinced themselves they are big brained for thinking ‘von k*rma’ wasn’t abusive’ like…#come ooonn#like yes the details of his abuse are left up to interpretation#he was not canonically physically abusive with Franziska or Miles#(though it’s not outside the realm of possibility)#but the pressure to be perfect prosecutors#the way failure caused Miles & Franziska to spiral SO MUCH#the way he treated Miles in investigations#the fact that Miles wasn’t suprised at all that his adopted father and mentor decided to prosecute him#the fact that Frazisksa was even allowed to basically put people to death at the age of thirteen#all of these are very canon in-your-face ways of showing what it was like to be raised by Manfred and none of it is good#like sure there are sometimes fandom interpretations on this that are probably worse than what canon is implying#and I don’t care if people like enjoy Manfred in whatever capacity#but someone doesn’t have to hit someone on camera for implications of abuse to be obvious#especially when not all abuse is physical anyways!!#I just hate the like… pretending the blatant ignoring of canon is somehow a dunk on fanon lol
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”why don’t you ever post about x?” i literally cannot remember it. “but it’s important!” yeah but that doesn’t stop me from being disabled. i really Am trying to spread awareness about important topics when i remember they exist but when i'm waking up confused to where i am what’s going on or if i'm even real my brain is Also going to forget about Other important things
#this isn’t about anything in specific it’s about those if you don’t post about x issue you’re evil posts that have existed for DECADES#that are also saw traps for people with moral ocd#like this isn’t about wilful ignorance it's asking you to Please Acknowledge People With Memory Issues Exist#disabled people are real and if we have disassociation issues and memory loss we genuinely Do forget about important things! A lot!#It’s not malicious I just have many physical and mental illnesses I cannot get rid of and I am on opiates half the time#Memory issues#disability#neurodivergent#spoonie#brain fog#autoimmine disease#<all the stuff that causes this in me but u can talk about whatever
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whhhhyyyyyyyyy is everything sooooo motherfucking expensive????? don’t they know I can’t afford all this shit???
#paid rent yesterday#had to take my dog to the vet and buy her more food and go to the grocery store and buy gas today#and had to pay utilities last week#I am physically pained#Can’t wait til I can actually get paid for my work#Cause not gonna lie#Mandatory unpaid student internships are a real fucking bitch#2 more months til graduation#And then my field placement will hire me and actually pay me for my work#But that’s 2 more months of OWWWW#don’t mind me I’m just whining#About capitalism#and how bullshit insane unpaid internships are#la dee da I have no money and I hate it#Pls ignore my vent post lmao#I’m done whining like a lil bitch now
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I think all trans people deserve a piece of candy and a good drink
they do! hey everyone reading this go get some boba and your favorite candy and just take a rest. you deserve it <3
#we'll ignore the fact i physically can't do this cause i can't drive and my town is UNWALKABLE#but whatever sigh#if you can just take a moment to get yourself something nice and relax#asks
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I really do like character design in mouthwashing
Anya is obvi inspired by Shelley Duval (who was also verbally abused by Cubric, if I recall correctly), the Shining protagonist. Curly is your typical captain America style charismatic leader, he is even canonically a gym bro (although I recall you mentioning that if Curly's pre-crash face wasn't revealed, you would've headcanoned him as black, so I am a bit curios, what his dynamic w/ Jimmy would've been. Like, I think this little piece of sht would be casually racist towards him, he is just that sort of asshole. If the story was set at our times he would've def vote for Trump and complain abt immigrants eating dogs or something equally rediculous lol. Also, his dynamic w/ Anya - being marginalised himself would've he been harder on Jimbo's bullshit? Or would that not matter at all in their particular situation? So many possibilities.)
Daisuke is a bright spot in an otherwise dull and grey space. Swansea is simply perfect, 10/10😁
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I don’t think Jimmy would be racist towards Curly or anyone for that matter.
Like I don’t see Jimmy as a misanthrope. He’s not hateful just to be hateful, he’s spiteful. All of his envy and resentment of others comes from his own projection of shared aspects he feels inferior by. I think the biggest difference is it adds a little more ire to Jimmy’s sentiments as it takes away an easy aspect of Curly’s life. I assume Mouthwashing operates in a similar social history and structure as our world so Curly likely faced prejudices based on his race in this scenario. He had something extra outside of his control weighing him down and yet he still reached that highest rung.
For Jimmy it’s infuriating. It feeds that delusion that Curly has it so much easier, that he doesn’t have to do the real work to get to that space. He should’ve struggled more, he should be more bitter but he isn’t. He’s not like him still and he’s pissed about it. He still wouldn’t understand the underlying and systemic issues Curly would’ve faced cause he can’t. He wouldn’t try to because in doing that it’s an admission he’s just not trying like Curly is. Any comments that could be seen as racist are less targeted at Curly’s ethnicity but just at him. Jimmy’s issues are with Curly as a whole, being so idealic compared to him and everything around him. It’s not just one facet of him physically, mentally or emotionally that makes Jimmy so envious. It’s why he’s obsessed, it everything about him.
As for Anya, this is no anger toward you, but there’s this perception in fandom spaces with intersectionality that sharing a minority status creates an equal understanding of what exact struggles the others go through. You can understand the feeling of oppression but certain aspects of certain systems will still be misunderstood if they don’t apply to you. Curly is still a man and Anya a woman. Perhaps she is a woman of color, it think he may have been a bit harsher to Jimmy as he would be aware of the racial factors at play when it comes to the dehumanization and sexism perpetrated towards WOC but he still wouldn’t get it as a man.
It’s like apples and oranges to where they are both fruit but being categorically the same doesn’t make them identical. I can not describe to you the taste of an apple by using an orange. Anya would no more understand Curly’s struggles being black than he would her being the only woman on board. Of course they share the similarity of being the only one but even in this case we do work off the assumption everybody but Daisuke is white. He’d inherently have more solidarity with him on that aspect than her.
#I also just kinda headcanon anyone as black if there’s no canon race or physical description#blue eyes be damned it’s the future fuck it#but yeah I don’t think it’d change much but it does add to that factor of Jimmy really#not understanding the responsibilities and struggles of other especially with his black best friend#he’s the type to think having scholarships targets to minorities was weird but he’d hold his tongue on it#like I don’t think he’d vote for Trump but he just wouldn’t vote hell put his name on the balet#he’s like one of those people that don’t vote cause he feels it doesn’t matter even tho he could vote to help#those around him affected like he’s a centrist because he’s not#stupid enough to fall for right wing stuff but he’s also against the woke mob ig#mouthwashing#ask#mouthwashing game#💀 anon#jimmy mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#it’s also a thing of sort of Curly thinking those comments are bad cause they aren’t the worse you heard. like being in white dominated#spaces you hear things and develop a system of ignorance vs intentional racism#it’s not fun but it allows you to navigate them safely because no white person can understand that sort of isolation being the only BIPOC is#or just poc in general like I’ve had “friends who I’d never talk to but they were just better options than complete racists#black Curly is like that in my head where the foundation of his friendship with Jimmy is based on him not being the worst and the other#emotional abuse that is practically canon#it’s complicated but at the same time an aspect that would change so much and so little
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rip Magnus Carter you would have loved causing problems for the general public and also not having mad cow syndrome
#i heart that funky bisexual boy#fun fact he's a spiderman oc that got into some complications with cannibalism and morbius. those two things are unrelated i just wanted to#clarify. hes not a good guy lmao#imagine if spiderman wasn't really spiderman but he was some random ginger teenager living in the sewers 'communicating to the spiders' who#he feeds by dragging helpless strangers into the sewers and letting the spiders eat them ! so basically spiderman already kind of exists#in his universe but he's like. a weird freaky villain guy varient of them somehow? I couldn't think of any weird spide rvillain names so he#is just kind of known as The Spider or The Spider King but I'm also a big nerd for greek myths so I kinda wanna make him be known as Arachn#anyways the way that he's technically kind of like spiderman is because he was bit by these weird carnivorous sentient spiders that were#experimented on by some big company probably oscorp and they tried to eat him but when they bit him he got the silly powers and so they wer#like 'ooooh! he is the one we follow! please feed us human flesh little human boy!' and so he listened to them because the poison that gave#him the powers in the first place was already incredibly corrosive so it very much made him a lot more physically ill than he already was#but the spiders were like 'noooo what we have no idea whats going on just take some more of our acidic blood so you can be all powerful !'#even though that was killing him anyways eventually skipping over a lot of stuff i dont have time to yap about he figured out that he could#control the spiders kind of in a way? idk i made this when I was an emo middle schooler ignore this if it's cringe but anyways spiderman#kind of started realizing what was going on so he ended up kinda having to fight that guy and he ended up killing his Gwen Stacy and since#this spiderman doesn't have a no kill rule he kinda killed him :p theres more lore for him but that's just his universe's magnus#carter lore anyways sorry for infodumping I got excited and silly cause I haven't gotten to yap about him in so long#I really like it when villains are genuinely horror novel level disturbing if that makes sense for why he's so fucked up and weird#oh also the morbius thing is for a different version of him ! I may yap about that version of him at a future date
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great
#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained#so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do#likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish.#like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired#hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic#hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow#he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit#he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation#and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now#he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng#and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever#like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting#hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests#and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him#hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked#because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess#his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free#he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves#idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him#like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon#when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff#that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then#i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow#im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with#its very cute
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So I’m like 99.1% going to quit my job
#it’s been a long time coming#but I just need to sort out my new job#my mum hooked me up with something#so I just need to send my cv and draft out an email ASAP#cause I want to leave my job soon#since it’s just not sustainable physically or mentally really#like I hate coming home and just constantly thinking about work#and I just can’t work in the environment I’m working in I’m constantly overwhelmed#and just stressed all the time#like for example today we had like 20+ on the screen which is fine#my only issue was that there was a takeaway#that we didn’t see as there are probably 10+ orders on the screen#and the supervisor prioritised it which brought it to the front#and she asked how long is it going to take#and I said 10 minutes and she’s like it can’t as it’s already been on the screen for 20#but like the food isn’t on the grill and sides aren’t done so it’s going to take more than 10 seconds 💀#and said person kept asking for it and I’m like bffr#it got to the point where I just ignored her cause her demand was unrealistic I’m doing it as fast as I can but it’s not my fault if it’s#not ready as the station I was on only does the sides and sends food out#I went on break like 5 minutes later and I was putting my food through and this guy started messing with my screen#and I wanted to cry and I had to walk away or else I would’ve bursted into tears#because I was just so stressed so overwhelmed and overstimulated I just need a break from people#so yeah I’m going to be on the job hunt since I need something to do now because I hate my job#I’m also going to send my cv to the job my mum told me about but now that I think about it idk if I’ll be able to do it since I’m a bit far#and would be getting lifts off my mum but she might be starting a new job 😭😭#gatherrambles#g/work
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Does Jiro has ghost like abilities (possession, ability to levitate things, etc etc) or does she just live in Shiro's head?
when i created this au, i thought the best option would be for her to be unable to interact with the physical world in any way(including possesion), beacuse i really wanted to lean into her isolation and how it affects her....... and while thats something i still want to emphasise here, lately ive been toying with the idea of jiro being able to impact the physical world somehow(though it still being fairly limited). i think letting her have some control could have a lot of potential! buuuut i also have no idea what abilities i want her to have lol
For now i think im not gonna give her any telekinetic abilities, bc i feel like it would be giving her too much power......... if she could throw shit, shed go APESHIT with it. it would made things too easy for her. i'm sorry babygirl but i'm NOT giving you the possibilty to throw knives and other sharp objects, i dont trust you to not kill someone:/
i really like the idea of her being able to temporarily posses her old body in certain circumstances tho- maybe when shiros uncouncious?? or like when hes is very tired or heavily injured she can kind of 'squeeze through' and take control back for a few minutes???? idk. i think this could be a very cool ability to give her- it cant be frequently used but can also be very helpful, and also theres so much potential for ✨shenanigans✨here>:) oh god i could put these fuckers in so many Situations with this..........
uhhh. so basically i think all of her influence on the physical world are through shiro. shes here bc of her connection to her old body, and thus its the only way for her to interact with anyone besides him- and shes NOT HAPPY about this(neither is shiro).
#ask#thank you for this ask!! it made me think more in depth about jiros abilities and come up with this so thanks<33333#if you have any ideas pls share them with me cause im still not really 100% set on everything lol#also im making a new tag for this au ->#two disasters au#bc. theres two of them.. and theyre both Mentally Unwell#also im gonna use this ask as an excuse to ramble about jiros motivation and character a bit-#okay. so i feel like the most importrant things about jiro are her tunnel vision and self-rightiousness#she gets really focused on one thing at a time and then fixates on it so much that she doesnt see how her behavior affects others#so when she gets evicted from her own body her first reaction isnt 'oh god this is such a messed up and dehumanizing thing to do to your#friend. what the FUCK guys'#its instead 'oh COME ON how am i supposed to be the black paladin without a physical body??? what the FUCK guys'#and bc deep down she KNOWS that if she ever stopped and thought about her situation for like 5 seconds shed just fuckin BREAK. so. she#doesnt do that.#and bc her self worth hinges on being the black paladin#she is really protective of tha title and tries her hardest to make sure shiro knows just how much better at paladin-ing she is than him#and that he wouldnt be able to keep the role without her help#she doesnt have any sense of personhood besides her job and so she clings to it desperately#the same applies to her gender#when jiro gets a new body(did i mention that???? i feel like i forgot to mention that. whoopsie???) he#(sometimes im gonna use he/him for jiro for when im showing things from a certain characters perspective cause thats what pronouns#she was using at the time)(if thats not okay i can stop tho) was trying very hard to pretend that hes just Shiro No. 2 and nothing more#to kinda 'make things easier for everyone' and bc he could FEEL the gender crisis approaching and was just. dead set on ignoring it and#hoping those feelings would go away(spoiler- they very much didnt. it just made things so so much Worse)#so anyway. basically jiro is a person obsesed with being Good Enough and respected but also lacks the experience patience and foresight#wnich results in her ignoring everyone and everything else to focus on doing her job Correctly#does this makes sense?? im still figuring shit out with her but thats what ive got rn
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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Ugghhhhhhhhh
#I’m just gonna admit it.#but. like. i developed a crush on a coworker.#and I don’t even know why!!!!! we barely talked to each other and he had a tendency avoid me whenever possible!#like as in- he’d freeze whenever we were walking toward each other and go in a different direction#I didn’t even do or say anything to offend so idk why he does that!!#he even asked me to my face if I hated him in like a joking tone but idk why#another coworker told me that he said he didn’t know if we were on good terms!#I just.#I don’t know.#I guess I can’t assume what he thinks- but these are things I’ve noticed him do when it came to me. and no one else#and this all happened within a few months and now he’s transferred to a different position#so now. I’ll never see him again#fuck it hurts so much. why does having a crush hurt so much#I cried so much for such a STUPID REASON#if I wasn’t an shy anxious autistic person then maybe I could’ve talked to him#but I didn’t and I regret so much.#I think I might put my 2 weeks notice in soon. so can get over this stupid crush. and also cuz this job is causing physical and#mental strain.#but before then. I do want to get brave and just him just like HE asked ME….#’do you hate me?’#that or ask why he avoided me like I had cooties#cosmic vent.txt#please just ignore this btw
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#he doesn't wanna acknowledge it but I think he really is tryin to rationalize somethin that happened to him not just the rest of us#i mean ofc in the physical sense it's the same anyway n it was before either one of us existed but#i........didn't think there was smth that he actually emotionally connects to like that#cause he's only ever mentioned 'what happened to us' as an entity that doesn't include him#n i guess i didn't wanna think someone who's been through that would go on to do it to someone else#but i mean i guess it makes sense#why he's so hell bent on ignoring the moral side of it. whatever happened did cause he wasn't strong enough to stop it#n the only way to keep himself from becomin a victim again is to always be the perpetrator instead#survival of the fittest#if you couldn't stop it you deserved it cause whoever's the strongest makes the rules#is that easier to accept than somethin just being _wrong_ n happening anyway? maybe#how the fuck do we unpack it though#it rly shouldn't be me it should be someone he can't coerce into takin part in his fucked up defense mechanisms but#but. idk. don't know how to go about buildin a rapport w/ him#especially cause if it's someone he can't physically intimidate he'll probably feel too vulnerable n just go full defense mode instead#i think someone he doesn't see as a threat but he can't manipulate either is.....pretty mutually exclusive#i.....wonder if he can't feel safe cause as long as he can do it to me it also means someone else could do it to him#it don't rly work like that cause it's cause of emotional manipulation now but. also.#maybe he doesn't consider himself as immune to that as we thought he did#he does have a pretty messed up understanding of things like autonomy n consent even wrt himself#if it doesn't go outside the role he plays n someone initiates i don't think he feels like it's up to him. it's just expected.#we've tried to get him to understand no one's gonna hurt him here. the worst that'll happen is bein restrained if he goes after someone else#which probably fucks w/ him even more cause he has no choice but to go along w/ it or be made to cooperate but#it's only when he's an active threat. it's self defense.#i think i'm onto something here cause rn sayin it'll only happen if he tries to hurt someone feels.....the same as shit like#this is only happening cause you're makin me do it#you wouldn't get hurt if you just did what you're told#all the. all the shit he's always tellin me to dodge accountability n make me feel like it's my own fault#goddamn fucking hell our psych literally just started her summer break it's over a month til our next appointment#spdrvent
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